One year later...
I sat at the table the night of the boys' birthday and thought "what am I feeling?" I was hoping for some profound thought or feeling to happen, but none came.
Everyone has a different journey with their grief and no one can tell you how to walk through it because it will be different for everyone. I have learned this past month that I am not a "feelings" person. Which to those of you that know me well, know this to be true. I much prefer facts and I can "feel" someone elses pain if I have a lot of details about what they are going through. Some call this "the intellectual type" although I do not see myself as being that intellectual! :o)
But, I do know that during the time I was pregnant, I knew something was not right and I said more times than I can count that I did not want to lose the boys. I had read several books on preventing premature labor, I had told my Dr. something wasn't right (he dismissed it- I later switched Dr.) I know that the entire week before going into the hospital I was on the phone with my friend Lindsay, who has twins and had almost lost one, asking her if what I was going through was "normal". I had told a friend the day before we left to go to CO. that something was wrong and I should go to the Dr., but I didn't...
So was God preparing me "intellectually" for what was going to happen? Maybe. Was I just having "feelings" of something being wrong because I was "anxious"? maybe. I don't know. I do know that my grief has been very different than I would have expected. This last year has been very hard, and at times I feel like I have not had any emotional energy to even devote to Michael and Jake. Then I feel guilty for that- yet I know I shouldn't. In the weeks following their death, I had to read books about other people's journey of losing a baby to know what I was feeling! I needed someone else to put in words what I was not capable of feeling or expressing.
The days that I think should be sad, I am usually just fine. It's the times when I am not expecting something and the grief overwhelms me. I still have a need to talk about them and I am still at a loss for words when people ask if Allie is our only child. (How do you answer that w/out giving a huge explanation!!???) I have only had a couple of times when I broke down and cried for them (and I cherish those times). I went to a memorial service for my friend's baby boy, Samuel, who died way too early, and I remember being jealous that she was able to cry for him. At our service (1 year ago yesterday), I think I was still so numb that I really couldn't cry. Yet, I wanted to.
Michael and Jake. I can still hear Jake's cry and still see Michael's sweet pouty lip. I can relive the birth over in my head a million times, yet it won't bring them back. I have put off doing their memory book b/c once I am finished- that's it. (although know I know that each year I can add to it)
I do not want to forget our boys and I will make sure and keep their memory alive, but just like this stupid wave in the picture below that kept erasing their names, days will go by and my memory will fade and people will move on. Of course they will, life happens. I just wonder if I will ever be able to truly feel the grief of losing them, or if this is as far as I will go. Some run from grief- I am trying to find it.
The LORD gives and the LORD takes away. I know that. Can I really truly say "blessed be His name" right now? Intellectually -yes. Do I believe it? Maybe. Depends. Do I think God is concerned about that? no- He knows exactly what I am feeling even when I can't express it.
Jon has done his share of grieving and it has been interesting to see how we do so differently. Even though death is an inevitable part of life and that we will each experience it at some point- it still hurts and it is not a fun thing to go through. So here we are, one year later. I wish I had some profound thing to say or insight- but I don't. Just that we miss you little guys and Allie is such a proud big sister even and loves to tell people about her brothers in heaven!
Pictures taken September 6, 2011 at Newport Beach CA.
5 comments:
So very sweet, Tiffany. I am so sorry your heart is heavy. Wish I could do something to take that away. The pictures are beautiful and really express more than words can convey. I pray that time will ease your pain and that one day soon you will be able to shout with confidence 'BLESSED BE THE NAME.' Hang in there friend. Happy birthday boys.
Tiffany....your post just brought a flood of tears. I know that this has been an incredible challenge...beyond belief for your family. This reminds me to continually pray for you. I love that Allie tells people about her brothers in heaven and I love that you often tell people Allie isn't your only child. When asked, I've heard people that have lost children say that they are raising one and the Lord is raising the other (s). That must be kinda awkward to discuss when you don't want to get into a long story. Goodness, you have so much to deal with. Thank you for sharing your authentic feelings. Blessings, friend. May He hold you tight as He is your boys.
Jenn Poland
Words can not even express how deeply touched I have been by your story. I can not imagine the hurt and pain you have had to endure this year, but I do know how hard it is to praise God in a storm and Bless His name when you hurt so bad. You are always in my prayers and I still admire you for sharing your story with others.
I read this and reread this. Thanks for being so honest. I really just love you and hurt for you. You are always in my prayers. I love the pictures...they do too. Allie is such a smart girl and God knew you needed her sweet little words on the "bad" days. Lots of hugs to you... I know you will see them and hold them and kiss them again. And JP is right, they are being raised by God. What an awesome thing to think about....
I think you made some very profound comments in that post. "Some run from grief- I am trying to find it."
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