Memorial Service

Less than 1 week after our boys were born we were planning their Memorial Service. I spent most of the next week trying to get the program and pictures just right. My sweet sister in law; Kim came in from Austin to help with Allie and also gave me a great blueprint on how to do the programs. She also went to numerous stores looking for frames for the pictures. We decided that the boys' actual footprints needed to be on the front and they are almost exactly the same size (about 1cm smaller on the program). I don't think we could have accomplished this had she not come in to help!

Front and Back:

Inside:

The service had to be both honoring to God and to our boys; and I think it was. We are so thankful for everyone who came and especially those who helped make the day special for us.

The hospital gave us these certificates of life for our boys. However, they were not born silently as it says! And these are actually the second ones they had to make because the nurse messed up the first set with the wrong date and wrong time! So they had to go back the next day and redo the footprints and hand prints! The nurse the night that we delivered didn't fill in the information so we didn't even know who was who the first time and then to have to redo the prints on them was not a good memory for me. We also had to wait to have these sent to us because the doctor was not back at the hospital for the entire week! When there is not many memories that you have of your children, every single one is huge and important!

This is the display table that we did.

The two teddy bears were given to us by the hospital and at first I didn't want them, but decided right before leaving to take them. The blue and white striped blanket that the bears are sitting on was one exactly like we wrapped the boys in. There is also their two life certificates and a picture of each boy separately (Michael on the right and Jake on the left), one together, and a collage of pictures. The little booties that matched their hats are on the table, although they are hard to see because they are so small. They made footprint molds of their feet, but the nurse did a horrible job doing them so you can barely see them and she didn't label those either! There is also a picture of a heart that has the words to the Kerrie Roberts song that my sister in law, Robyn painted for us.

We received so many beautiful flowers and plants for our house and at the service and here is a picture of most of them. We had to take a huge wreath apart and put it into 6 different vases! They made the house look nice and it was very appreciated.

My mother in law, also put two white roses in a small vase for the boys and believe it or not; they are still alive! They are the ONLY ones still alive 1 1/2 weeks later and they have not wilted or dropped any petals! Notice the leaves are all dried up, but not the flowers!

And finally, here is the church bulletin from the Sunday of the service. They are listed on both New Arrivals and In Christian Sympathy. However, the date is WRONG for when they were born! It was not Sept. 8- it was Sept. 7! Again, another thing that was messed up in our few memories of our boys! If that would have happened with Allie's, we would have laughed it off, but it really made me sad because there is not much that we have to remember them by.

I know that I need to keep the right perspective that these are only temporary things and our boys are alive in heaven, but it is still all we have until we see them again one day. And I know that the details don't really matter in the grand scheme of things- but for me, right now they do matter and it is part of my grieving process.

Mixed up emotions

The Memorial Service was everything we could have hoped it would be (only one thing missing- our boys). We had over 160 people come and help us honor Michael and Jake. We had people come from out of town, and ones we had not seen in many years there. It was a hard day for us, but it also was a good day to be surrounded by so many people who care for us and want to help us through this time.

We had debated about whether or not to have some pictures out of our little guys; and we decided to go ahead and do so. And I was so thankful that so many people told me they were glad we did! I wanted to be able to share them with everyone and if Allie had died, we would have had pictures of her out. Plus, the pictures were taken when they were alive and they were such beautiful babies, I could not help but want others to see them! Isn't that what every new parent wants to do?-show off their precious newborn to everyone who loves them? Yet, when you can't there is a void there that you long to fill.

This week, I have tried to get out more and do some normal activities and for the most part, I have been OK. I am just afraid that life is going to go on and the memory of our little boys is going to fade with each passing day. I am not ready to "move on" yet, but I know I have to and life goes on for everyone else.

One thing I learned this week is that the worst thing someone can say is nothing at all. Let me start off by saying I have been guilty of this all the time in the past, so I am not criticizing anyone. I am still at a point where I want to tell others about the boys and I want them to ask how I am doing. I don't want to pretend nothing happened. I know a lot of people are uncomfortable (that's how I was), but the best thing you could say to me is "tell me about your boys" or "what is the hardest thing right now for you?" Any new mom wants others to take notice of their precious new baby- and that has been ripped away from me. I know everyone is different and some people prefer not to talk about it- but I need to and so long to do so!

I also feel a burden to be my boys voice in this life. They will never get the chance to share their hopes and dreams with anyone. They will be silent forever unless I am the voice for them! I know that God has His reasons and right now I am OK with that, but I can't just let them die and forget about them! The other day, we were at Chic Fil A in the play area and a little girl was playing with Allie whose last name was Thomas. After she told us her name, I thought for a second about Jake and so I said to her; "Allie has a little brother named Jake Thomas. It made me so sad- but it is true and I don't need to hide or be ashamed of what happened. Allie has two brothers and one other sibling and I will make sure that they are always included in our family.

On a more positive note, we have been SO blessed by so many people these past two weeks! People we don't even know have sent us cards saying they have been praying for us- even way up in Virginia! We have had meals, people watch Allie, our house cleaned, tons of flowers, plants, gift cards, books, poems written, and wonderful gifts to help us remember our boys' lives! It is overwhelming how much people care and want to help and we are so thankful for each and everyone! It is comforting to know that our boys were loved by so many and that God has given us so many wonderful friends to lean on during this time. And we thank everyone for their prayers on our behalf. I know I have been too numb to pray right now, so I am so thankful to have others interceding on my behalf.

Perspective and Pain

Tomorrow afternoon we will have our Memorial Service for Michael David and Jake Thomas. This still doesn't seem like reality and it sure isn't the way it is supposed to turn out. Life isn't supposed to be that short! To think that 11 days ago, our little boys were born and now here we are on the eve of a Memorial service!

This week, I have had all sorts of emotions and thoughts about what has happened. I have had this service to plan, get my life back in order, and try to take care of Allie- all while trying to process what happened and how to make sense of it. We have been SO BLESSED by our Sunday school class and family who have been bringing us and dinner and coming to get Allie for a couple of hours so we could get some things done for the service. (Plus, she absolutely loves the attention and has a great time!)

I am not sure how to make sense of any of this. All I know is that I need to look at my boys a lot and I am so thankful that we got some great pictures while they were alive. I can't get enough of them and it breaks my heart that we will never get to see them grow up! One short hour is NOT enough for a mom to soak in her little boys! Allie looks at their pictures with me and always says "Baby... Baby; night night." It rips my heart open to know that she will not get to love on them this side of eternity!

On a side note, we are so thankful for Allie. She brings a smile to our faces and joy to our lives! Even right now when I know I have nothing to give her and she following me around whining for attention; she is still the sweet, little girl that God gave to us to help us through this difficult time.

There have been so many small blessings and we can look back and see that God has been guiding us, and maybe later I will share some of those things. But right now, the pain seems to be right below the surface waiting to explode.

It is true that once a mom sees her child (children) there is no way to explain the love and bond she feels for them. I miss them already and even though I know they are in a better place; it doesn't take the pain away of wanting them here with us. We love you Michael and Jake.

This picture was taken a week before the boys were born and I love the mountains in the back and just how it turned out. Even though there is blackness right in front of me- in the distance is great beauty and we can experience both at the same time in our lives. Just have to keep that perspective and trust in a God who knows what is ahead of us.

Night, night my sweet little boys...

How do I begin to write this when there is so much inside me not wanting to write because I don't want any of it to be true? It's as if we have been living a horrible dream, going through all the emotions, yet somehow having to accept this as reality. Jon's last entry expressed so much of what we were going through and what we believe. I need to tell the story of our little boys to help me grieve and be able to remember them. I don't want their lives, no matter how short to be in vain or forgotten and this is my way of telling their story.

One week ago today, we still had a hope for the survival of one and maybe both our little boys. We saw them moving and even yawning on the ultrasound and everything 'appeared OK'. We just had to wait until Monday morning to do another amniocentesis on them to see if the infection had gotten worse. The doctor only tested Michael, and we found out that his results had gotten nearly 5x's worse than they were on Friday. Now the decision was to deliver Michael and try to save Jake if he had not gotten worse-and we would not know his results until after giving birth to Michael. I had a complete breakdown, not being able to make any decision. Even if the results were good on the tests, it would buy us an average of 14 days of not delivering Jake. This would put him right at 24 weeks, which is the first time babies have really any chance of survival. However, the outcome most likely would include severe handicap of some sort and months in the NICU; if we were lucky. How could we possibly put our baby boy through all of that? I needed God to give us a definite answer as to what we should do. That decision was way beyond what we could handle. I asked for the amniocentesis to be done before hand on Jake to help us decide. God answered our prayer, even though it was NOT what we wanted to hear. Jake's results were just as bad as Michael's and my blood work confirmed that I was getting worse as well. Just like on Friday, we went from hopeful to horrible in a matter of a couple of minutes! How do you handle being told that there is nothing that can be done to save your babies? Especially since I was still carrying them and they were literally a part of me?

Our options now were sit and wait until my body went into labor on it's own and risk becoming life threatening to me (for the most part all my contractions had stopped), or induce labor. Either way, we hated the outcome and were scared to death of going through it.
A few months ago, I heard the "No Matter What" song by Kerrie Roberts on the radio and before it was over, I had felt God's presence and Him telling me this was the truth I needed to hold onto during this pregnancy. Each time I heard it, I argued with God and told him "no." Then last Friday while driving to the hospital from Breckenridge, the song came on the radio, and I came to grips with what He had been telling me the whole time and quietly surrendered this pregnancy over to Him. Was He trying to prepare me the whole time? And why would he choose to let us get pregnant only to have this happen? Answers don't always come and even when they do, it can be hard to accept. Looking back, I am thankful for God's small voice even when I wanted to turn and run from it. And believe me, I had been for quite some time. So as we sat praying for guidance, we knew what had to be done and it required total surrender to His will.

Not being able to have any control over what was happening to my body and our babies really was hard on me and now I just wanted to make one decision regarding them. Would my boys at least be able to wear a sweet little outfit when they died? I know it seems so contrite, but I had been trying to find matching outfits for them and Allie to take newborn pictures in and now I would not even be able to make that decision! The nurses and my mom and Jon's mom were great and tried their best to find something other than what looked like crocheted old grandma looking things. Huge meltdown. Finally, we found two cotton light blue and white striped blankets and little matching hats and booties. I just couldn't have them be born and not even have been able to pick out something so simple as that for them. I needed to feel like I at least had some control.
Jon and I had not even picked out names for our boys when we had gone into the hospital on Friday. We had tried to come up with some on Friday knowing that I was supposed to deliver at any moment that night, ( I was having contractions every 1 1/2 minute and 4 cm dilated) but they just were not the right ones. So Monday, we decided on Michael David for Baby A after one of Jon's close friend/youth pastor and after King David as he went through something similar. Jake Thomas had to be Baby B as all along that was the name that kept coming back to me and Thomas is my dad and it means "twin". With that settled, we realized we had to face the inevitable.

Tuesday morning they started the pitocin and within two hours I was dilated to 7 cm and having contractions every minute. I had decided to get an epidural this time as they said the placentas may not deliver and then they would have to do surgery to get them out, and b/c having to go through labor without the joy at the end can be very painful. However, the epidural stopped my contractions and I realized 8 hours later that it only numbed my legs. They tried to readjust it, but I went through the labor feeling everything except my legs.

Having to push when everything inside me screamed "no" was extremely hard. My body was doing one thing and my mind was doing another, terrified at what would happen.

Michael David Klubnik was born at 8:11pm and weighed 1.22 lbs. He was the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen! He was perfect in every way- just miniature in size. He lived for about an hour after delivery. He had Jon's dark Russian skin, and dark hair. Even as I type this, there are no words to express the range of emotions that we went through and how painful, yet loving that time with him was! He had Allie's pouty lip and kept his hand up by his face as if trying to go to sleep.
Michael held on long enough for his brother Jake Thomas Klubnik to arrive at 9pm weighing 1.02 lbs. He was also beautiful and perfect! He must have been stronger though as he came out crying (which they said would not happen) and was fighting for breath every so often for the hour that he lived. The doctor's said that they would not be in pain, but like they were trying to go to sleep; I am not so sure with Jake though. He took after my side of the family with lighter skin and my dad's reddish blond hair (his eyebrows and eyelashes were that color). I had told Jon several times that one of them would take after my dad and I knew the whole time that Baby B had to be Jake Thomas after him.

For two hours we got to hold our baby boys, love them, sing to them, cry over them, kiss them, and share them with our Mom's and Jon's brother Tod (my dad had to catch a flight right at that time). How do you describe to someone what we went through for those hours? As Jon said later, he "would never have thought in his wildest dreams that it would be so hard." One comforting truth we hold onto is that our boys went straight from our loving arms into the arms of the Savior and never for one instant were they alone or unloved. To be the one holding my babies when their little hearts stopped beating and they passed on into heaven is both terrifying and yet comforting. They lived inside me for 22 weeks and 4 days and we got to share in their precious little lives for an hour each. Then they got to join their triplet in heaven where one day we WILL see them face to face again!

Allie is a big sister and she will always have little brothers. Our lives will forever be changed. The last thing we told our boys is what Allie says before going to bed.
"Night, night Michael David."
"Night, night Jake Thomas."
"We love you both."

sometimes things don't go like we would plan

This is Jon writing to you from the hospital in Denver. Right now we are waiting for Tiffany to deliver our twin boys at 22 1/2 weeks with no hope of survival. Over the past 5 days we have been here in the hospital, we have seen such a range of emotions and we have still so many questions. I've been sitting here for the past 5 hours watching my wife with tubes all over her and a multitude of strangers come in every few minutes to poke and probe.

The doctors have tried everything they know to try and save our boys. Tiff rode a helicopter and has had needles stuck into her. we have had to helplessly watch the dreams we had for our family snuffed out. I don't thing either of us has ever cried so long and so hard

Last week Tiffany told me about a song that had just came out by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What". One of the lines is " before a heartache can touch my life, it has to pass through you hands". Why would God choose to break our hearts like this? I still don't know the answer to this. I don't know how to understand this. We are here in Denver taking the advice of doctors and nurses we have never met before. These people are interpreting lab results we have never seen and asking us to make decisions about which we know very little and have no background. But we are placing our faith in the doctors even though we don't like and understand the outcome.

As we have spent the last five days here, we have seen so many offer words of hope. Some send good "thoughts and wishes". However there really is no hope in someones hopes. We have hope in Christ and that hope is eternal. It has almost been funny to see those who are offering only their thoughts for us because you can see in their faces that they know this isn't very much!

With eternal hope, we know we will see our boys again. We know the names we have chosen for them are the names we will greet then by when we see them again someday. We know that they will go from our arms to the very arms of our savior. That is true hope and for that we are thankful.

Our hospital room has a view of the mountains in the distance. However, there is a forest fire nearby and we can not see the mountains for the smoke. It is as if they are not even there. It is kind of like what we are going through here. We believe in a hope of a future, but the smoke of our circumstance today is clouding it. 1 Cor 13. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

For now we are awaiting the arrival of Michael David Klubnik and Jake Thomas Klubnik. Although we will miss the experiences that we had looked forward to with them, we are hopeful in our Savior and His faithfulness to us. Thankful for all of our prayers and for our friends.