One year later...

One year later...

I sat at the table the night of the boys' birthday and thought "what am I feeling?"  I was hoping for some profound thought or feeling to happen, but none came.
Everyone has a different journey with their grief and no one can tell you how to walk through it because it will be different for everyone.  I have learned this past month that I am not a "feelings" person.  Which to those of you that know me well, know this to be true.  I much prefer facts and I can "feel" someone elses pain if I have  a lot of details about what they are going through.  Some call this "the intellectual type" although I do not see myself as being that intellectual! :o)
But, I do know that during the time I was pregnant, I knew something was not right and I said more times than I can count that I did not want to lose the boys.  I had read several books on preventing premature labor, I had told my Dr. something wasn't right (he dismissed it- I later switched Dr.)  I know that the entire week before going into the hospital I was on the phone with my friend Lindsay, who has twins and had almost lost one, asking her if what I was going through was "normal".  I had told a friend the day before we left to go to CO. that something was wrong and I should go to the Dr., but I didn't...

 So was God preparing me "intellectually" for what was going to happen?  Maybe.  Was I just having "feelings" of something being wrong because I was "anxious"?  maybe.  I don't know.  I do know that my grief has been very different than I would have expected.  This last year has been very hard, and at times I feel like I have not had any emotional energy to even devote to Michael and Jake.  Then I feel guilty for that- yet  I know I shouldn't.  In the weeks following their death, I had to read books about other people's journey of losing a baby to know what I was feeling!  I needed someone else to put in words what I was not capable of feeling or expressing.

 The days that I think should be sad, I am usually just fine.  It's the times when I am not expecting something and the grief overwhelms me.  I still have a need to talk about them and I am still at a loss for words when people ask if Allie is our only child.  (How do you answer that w/out giving a huge explanation!!???)  I have only had a couple of times when I broke down and cried for them (and I cherish those times).  I went to a memorial service for my friend's baby boy, Samuel, who died way too early, and I remember being jealous that she was able to cry for him.  At our service (1 year ago yesterday), I think I was still so numb that I really couldn't cry.  Yet,  I wanted to.

 Michael and Jake.  I can still hear Jake's cry and still see Michael's sweet pouty lip.  I can relive the birth over in my head a million times, yet it won't bring them back.  I have put off doing their memory book b/c once I am finished- that's it. (although know I know that each year I can add to it)

 I do not want to forget our boys and I will make sure and keep their memory alive, but just like this stupid wave in the picture below that kept erasing their names, days will go by and my memory will fade and people will move on.  Of course they will, life happens.  I just wonder if I will ever be able to truly feel the grief of losing them, or if this is as far as I will go.  Some run from grief- I am trying to find it.

 The LORD gives and the LORD takes away.  I know that.  Can I really truly say "blessed be  His name" right now?  Intellectually -yes.  Do I believe it?  Maybe. Depends.  Do I think God is concerned about that?  no- He knows exactly what I am feeling even when I can't express it.

Jon has done his share of grieving and it has been interesting to see how we do so differently.  Even though death is an inevitable part of life and that we will each experience it at some point- it still hurts and it is not a fun thing to go through.  So here we are, one year later.  I wish I had some profound thing to say or insight- but I don't.  Just that we miss you little guys and Allie is such a proud big sister even and loves to tell people about her brothers in heaven!

Pictures taken September 6, 2011 at Newport Beach CA.

To see original posts from their birth  click here : Boys' Story  and Part 2

Newport Beach California

We decided to go out of town for the Boys' birthday this year.  So a couple weeks ago, when I found the Marriott Villas in Newport Beach available on our timeshare I booked it.  We left Sept. 3 and stayed for a week.  Allie was so excited to be flying on a plane again!  We had just watched her first full length movie- Toy Story 2 and she kept talking about when Buzz, Woody, and Jesse were at the airport with the plane taking off.  (She loves Buzz!!!)

No longer a lap child.  And she was terrified this time during take off and landing!

But as you can see, she did just fine once we were up in the air!  (she won't let me open the window shade though!)

Cool weather, beautiful view, and not in Texas!

I love having the timeshare because we get full kitchens, living rooms, and 2 bedrooms!

Jon's Aunt and cousins live close by so the first night we got there we got to hang out with them.  They had some other friends over and a super yummy dinner for us!  (Allie is shy at first)  She was up very late that night as we started out with TX time and ended with CA time.)

Playing a little B-ball.

We went to the beach a couple times.  Sand was great, but water was  too Cold!

I brought her little baby pool so she could at least play in the water as I knew she would not like the cold ocean!

Jon is "helping" Allie with her sand castle!

We had a great playground right outside our door!  It was super!

All ready to go!

Quick stop at a neighborhood park.  Can you imagine having sand in the playgrounds here??  You would burn your feet to a crisp!

View from our place-ocean in the background.  I always forget how mountainous California is and how fun all the cute beach towns are along the Southern coast.

Just like home.... HA!

Our sweet friends, Lincoln and Priscilla, had this goody basket delivered on the boys' birthday!  It was such a fun surprise and we really appreciated it! (see previous post for their b-day at the zoo)

Too bad the rail cut off Jon's face!  Nice pose!

She is actually laughing while he is doing this!

Took a boat ride to Balboa Island.  This is where Jon spend several summers growing up (amusement park in background)

It's a beautiful area!

So many super cute (and expensive) houses line the boardwalk.

Great little small town feel along Marine Street with cute shops and restuarants!

This is the first time we ever put money into one of these things...  No fooling her anymore!!

Dinner at a great Italian place -and this was taken from outside the window!  It was fun to sit and watch people walk by.

Perfect timing with the sunset on the bridge!

Check out the two guys paddle boarding in the picture!

Fun ones!

Like a postcard!

Sweet Allie...  God has blessed us with you and you are the BEST little girl in the whole wide world!  You make us smile and we can't get enough of you!

Don't grow up too fast!  I will miss your sweet baby face!

Ice cream and frozen bananas!  Yummy

Another great time at the beach!

So many beautiful houses!

Yes, she has on a fleece and we are at the beach in early September!

And dinner that night at Ruby's Shake Shack

We ate dinner at this place (Beachcomer) and there will be another post about that...

"never mind the picture- give me the shake!"

Overall, it was a good trip.  We were both anxious leading up to the day we left, but once we got there- it was a good getaway.  I was trying to make sure that I had everything I would want on their b-day and trying to get everything ready that  frazzled me.  The only time that I really broke down was on their b-day when we got back from the zoo. We stopped at the playground and there were twin girls (one named Allie) who were 4 but smaller than Allie.  I found out it was b/c they were born 3 1/2 months premature and spent 6 months in the NICU, and still have many developmental issues.  I was talking to their G-pa about them and told him about our boys who were born 3 1/2 months early a year ago that day.  I couldn't contain myself and the man was super sweet and kept saying how courageous I was... I am not sure why he used that word- but I will take it!   Thanks for sharing in our journey this past year, and for all the love and support you have given to us!