Sometimes life feels too much like a dream, one in which you honestly feel like it didn't really happen to you. It couldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened. Yet it did happen. Looking back two years ago, some things are etched in my mind very vividly, and yet so many more of the memories seem to be gone for good.
To be honest, most days I don't even think of the boys anymore. But these past few weeks, they have definitely been on my mind. It has been so much more harder to be on bed rest and to stay positive about the outcome when all I could think about is delivering Michael and Jake at 22 weeks and 5 days. Yes I know I am supposed to trust God (and everything will be fine) and I have been reminded of that by numerous people. And it's not that I don't trust God- I trusted Him before with the boys. Trusting Him is not the hard part. He is God; He can do whatever He wants and has that right because He is God. The hard part is knowing that trusting Him doesn't mean that it will be OK. Sometimes I have wanted to scream out at people and tell them that when they tell me to trust God with this pregnancy! How do they know God's plan and how can they say with certainty that it will be OK? When you go through a big tragedy, it changes everything about you and cliche sayings like take on a whole new meaning!
Each week that has gone by has made it easier and I don't feel so pessimistic about the outcome of this little guy! I am VERY thankful for him even though I wish his brothers were here too!
This past week, has been hard for me and it comes out in weird ways; like being extra picky about what I eat or what Allie wears! It has also been hard not being able to plan anything special to do for their birthday. All the memories of trying to have someone else find an outfit for the boys to be in and not being able to even do that have come flooding back. I can't shop for this little guy and I can't even make my own food! I know it sounds like a pity party but it's not; it's just the wave of emotions that I have had to learn how to ride and sometimes I am better at it than others. And we have been blessed to have friends and family make us food and my friend even brought me a couple of BIG bags of boy clothes from her son who just turned 1! God has provided so much and we are so thankful for that! I have learned that you can be thankful and sad at the same time and that is OK!
Sweet little boys I do pray that you know how much you are missed and loved and that this little guy will never take your place! You are going to be big brothers soon and I hope he is a perfect mix of the both of you!
Tonight we will have cupcakes and release some balloons for your Birthday! Allie is excited and told me this morning that she wanted to make you a card! You boys are loved and I know that you have no problem trusting God and knowing that "all things work for the good of those who love Him." So even if that is hard for me at times, I can know for certain that you know for certain that TRUTH.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKE!
