But today was different.
No one in that restaurant would have ever thought something like this was happening.
After we ate, Peggi went out to their car and brought back a gift bag to give us.
At the time she went to the car, Allie and I were outside playing around the fountain. I told Allie we had to go inside ---- to go get her brothers. I needed to say it. At least one time. And for a split second, it almost felt like they were alive.
In the gift bag is the boys' ashes. We had them sent to his parent's house, because that was one package I didn't want to receive. I finally decided that it was time for our boys to come home. As I type this, the gift bag is sitting on the kitchen counter-unopened. Before going home, Jon looked in the bag and told me the ashes were in an envelope. AN ENVELOPE! I know they were very small, and I knew there would not be much left as their bones were still not that hard; but an envelope!
I want so badly to look in the bag, but I am also scared to death of what I will see! Yesterday, I would have been 30 weeks along in the pregnancy- still 2 months away from my due date. And yet Tuesday, it will be 8 weeks since I gave birth. Now, what remains of our little boys (and our hopes and dreams for them) are in a pretty, cream bag on the counter. Not in a crib or swing, but in an envelope in that bag.
We are still waiting for our pictures from NILMDTS. I think they are lost in hte mail as they were mailed quite awhile ago.
My emotions right now-pretty numb. Not sure what to think of feel.
3 comments:
I'm so sorry, Tiff. I can't imagine how difficult that is.
You don't know me - I work with your lovely mother. She and I spoke at length this afternoon about your beautiful boys. Sadly, I, too, am a member of this most horrible of clubs. My little Noah was born at 24 weeks back in 2004. He'd be six now, but talking to your mother, it felt like yesterday all over again. Please know that you will get through this. It doesn't get better, but it gets easier - and you will reach a point where you will think of your sons and smile rather than cry. If you ever need to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, please don't hesitate to contact me. Joan knows how to reach me. Hang in there, Sweetie. My love to you and your family,
Patricia
Oh wow...I did not even think about this or ever ask you about them coming "home". Oh Tiffany...that breaks my heart even more for some reason. It makes is so "real" to have that bag on your counter. Sweet friend. I know I don't know what to say, but I am here when/if you need to talk about them. I love to hear about them.
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