Klubnik Family: 5 years

Vail 2015

This blog was once my dear companion. I could open it up and pour out my heart for all to read and yet it was a safe place for me. I needed an outlet and I also desperately needed to remember how on September 7, 2010 our lives were forever changed. 5 years ago right now I was holding Michael and waiting for Jake to be born. I look back on those days with so many mixed emotions. I feel regret much of the time for not "trying harder to keep them alive within me", and yet at the same time I feel a lot of peace knowing that somehow that being with us only a few hours was the best thing for them. I miss them and never getting the opportunity to know who they were. I don't miss that time in our lives as it was one of the worst but I do wish I could have had the opportunity to know them. Yet at the same time, I know they were the lucky ones because they got to go straight to Heaven and I know without a doubt they would not trade life there to come back here. I am not sad about that because I know I will see them again and not only them but their other 2 siblings that we never even got to see. I know that Jon's dad has....(just took a break because Andrew was crying -and I realized how thankful I am for the opportunity to have him!) met both of them and I am positive it was a wonderful time in Heaven when they did. We will miss Pops here but how fun that our boys get to be with him now.

When I look at pictures of Michael and Jake, I see Kyle and Andrew. Kyle looks a lot like Jake and Andrew looks a lot like Michael and at times I feel like God gave us our boys- even though I know they are not them. Not everyone who loses a baby is blessed wit another one and I am extremely thankful that 5 years later, we have been blessed with 2 little boys! And I can not imagine life without them. Kyle is my special little helper and has the biggest personality ever with such a tender heart. And although Andrew is only 8 months, he is so happy and is a mama's boy (in a good way). So it is a hard thing to wrap my mind around because if we did not lose Michael and Jake, we would not have Kyle and Andrew. But I had to lose Michael and Jake to get them- and that's what is hard because we never got to know them!!!
We went to Vail a month ago and it was very bittersweet. That was one of the last places we were before I went into labor with the boys. Our trip there 5 years ago was very hard with the pregnancy and I knew things were not right as I was in so much pain and there was a lot of tension in our family. I was expecting this trip to be really hard as well, and although it brought back a lot of memories, it was not that bad because we now have our complete family and I don't feel an emptiness or that things are not as they should be. The following pictures are of then and now. first one is then and the second one was last month...

Allie and Jon 2010 -one of my favorites

Kyle and Jon 2015

2010

2015 same spot

2010 Allie and Grandpa

same park 2015

Allie 2010

Andrew 2015 same swing

Allie 2010

Allie 2015 same slide

2010 by the bridge

2015 by the bridge

Allie and I (with boys in tummy) on the bridge 2010

Allie took this picture of me and the boys 2015

the whole family 2010

same spot 2015

2010

Allie and I and Susie and Tobin

2015 Tobin, Emory, Kirbie, Allie, Andrew and Kyle

These little ones are such a blessing. As I sat down the write this, I was interrupted twice by two little boys who should have been sleeping. And tonight I was OK with that because they needed me as much as I needed them. Life is not always how we plan it or even how we want it but I have to trust that God knew what He was doing and I know someday I will have the big picture. I am not going to lie and say that life is easy- its not, and for many reasons. In the last 5 years, our marriage has gone through a lot, individually we have gone through a lot and we still have a lot of learning and growing to do. Allie has been such a wonderful big sister (even though it was a hard adjustment to share mom and dad after being an only child for so long). Kyle absolutely adores her and follows her every move. I just pray that the next 5 years keep getting better and that we are able to make lots of great lasting memories. I am so very thankful for our boys in Heaven and I can't wait to see the family that will be there waiting for me!