The tears have come

For the last 11 weeks, I have wondered if I was going to really feel the emotions that have overtaken me.  I could talk about them and tell you how I was doing, but yet I just felt so numb and dry inside (if that makes sense). These past 2 weeks has proven to be the hardest ones yet for me, and now I am lucky if I make it through the day without a really hard cry. First off with the arrival of our pictures from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) came many tears and a wellspring of emotion.  I would totally recommend this organization to anyone who finds themselves in this horrible situation as a photographer will come out for free to take pictures of your baby's short life or shortly after they have passed.

However, the tears that I was crying were because I was not happy with the pictures at all.  I knew that they would look different in these pictures because they had already been with Jesus for over 2 hours, and they changed SO quickly; so I was prepared for that.  What I was not prepared for were blurry, bad positioning, and really dark photos!  I know I can be very picky especially when I get upset, but after sending them to a friend who does wonderful photography and asking her opinion; it was confirmed that they were just bad.  It really just breaks my heart that they were not better.  And now this whole past week, I have been trying to get the RAW images released so that I can get them redone, and so far to no avail!  Why they are being so stubborn about it is beyond me?  But needless to say, I have cried more than I care to over this whole ordeal!  I just pray that they would understand my pain and release them to me!

This is of Jake holding Michael's arm.  It is probably the best one we have...

Next big emotional roller coaster happened on Friday last week (11-12), when my good friend Priscilla delivered her second little girl Charlotte.  We were only about 6 weeks apart in our due dates and with twins I knew mine would come early; so I figured they would be born about the same time.  I saw Priscilla the day before we left for Colorado and I had told her that I knew I needed to go to the Dr. because something was not right.  But I was afraid he would say not to go to Colorado (as he was already not too keen on me going); so I didn't go see him... (yes, big time guilt!)  I am so happy for our friends and that Charlotte is healthy and I was not expecting to be so emotional about it- but I was.  Babies do not bother me or upset me and I definitely don't want to not see her.  It's just hard and I need to work through the feelings.  I also know how hard it is for Priscilla to see me hurting and I have taken great comfort in her friendship and I would hate for her to be uncomfortable around us.  But, the tears came, and that was good.  She was there to mourn with us and I want to be there to rejoice with her. (Romans 12:15-Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn)

I got to spend some time with friends who have little boys (twin boys and expecting twins) the other week.  What was really hard was that my friend who is 25 weeks along with twins is doing great and she has a 2 year old that she is able to keep up with.  My pregnancy was SO hard and I couldn't handle Allie at 20 weeks along.  While I am so thankful that she is doing so well, it was just hard to see because of the hard 2 months prior to delivering the boys.

I also had 2 friends lose their Dad's unexpectedly.  One of my best friends, Samantha, who had helped so much with our Memorial Service 2 months ago was now at her Dad's!  It was really surreal being at the service and knowing for the first time what they were feeling and how hard life was going to be for them in the coming months.

Finally, the icing on the cake happened last Sunday while we were at Sunday school.  Our class has been SO incredible and so supportive for us!  They have truly represented the body of Christ and I am so thankful for the friendships we have made the last 3 years with them!
We have sat next to a couple who was also pregnant for many months prior to our trip.  She was 4 months ahead of me and was due around the time we left for CO.  When we got back, I knew she had had her baby girl, but I didn't know when and I never got any emails from the class about it.  So when I saw her last week before class, and started talking with her I found out that her girl, Olivia, was born in the morning of Sept 7- the SAME day our boys were born!!!  I knew she felt bad telling me and why no one else did  before, I don't know b/c it was a complete shock to me! She was so sweet to me, but my heart felt like it had just been ripped out and stomped on.  And right at that moment, the Kerrie Roberts  song, "No Matter What" came on!

First major public breakdown!

I could not control the volcano eruption that overtook me and had to get out of there.

Reality has finally hit and I am finally facing what really happened to our boys.  I truly think God blesses us with the gift of Shock when tragedy hits.  It is His way of giving us time to figure things out.  Unfortunately, I think when the shock wears off, other people are ready to move on and want you to as well; and now is the time we most need the support!
I have learned something great from this,  no one really knows what to do or say when someone they love experiences a loss; so you have to tell them what you need!  It is not rude or bossy, and I have learned that people appreciate it because they know how they can help.  If I keep silent then I can't get upset if someone is not there for me or does something that hurts.  So, I am letting anyone who reads this know that the hard times are just beginning for me and I still desperately need support!  I am pretty sure that I speak for both Jon and I when I say "please be patient with us and know that the days ahead are going to be HARD on us."
Prayers are needed and wanted-thank you!