Mixed up emotions

The Memorial Service was everything we could have hoped it would be (only one thing missing- our boys). We had over 160 people come and help us honor Michael and Jake. We had people come from out of town, and ones we had not seen in many years there. It was a hard day for us, but it also was a good day to be surrounded by so many people who care for us and want to help us through this time.

We had debated about whether or not to have some pictures out of our little guys; and we decided to go ahead and do so. And I was so thankful that so many people told me they were glad we did! I wanted to be able to share them with everyone and if Allie had died, we would have had pictures of her out. Plus, the pictures were taken when they were alive and they were such beautiful babies, I could not help but want others to see them! Isn't that what every new parent wants to do?-show off their precious newborn to everyone who loves them? Yet, when you can't there is a void there that you long to fill.

This week, I have tried to get out more and do some normal activities and for the most part, I have been OK. I am just afraid that life is going to go on and the memory of our little boys is going to fade with each passing day. I am not ready to "move on" yet, but I know I have to and life goes on for everyone else.

One thing I learned this week is that the worst thing someone can say is nothing at all. Let me start off by saying I have been guilty of this all the time in the past, so I am not criticizing anyone. I am still at a point where I want to tell others about the boys and I want them to ask how I am doing. I don't want to pretend nothing happened. I know a lot of people are uncomfortable (that's how I was), but the best thing you could say to me is "tell me about your boys" or "what is the hardest thing right now for you?" Any new mom wants others to take notice of their precious new baby- and that has been ripped away from me. I know everyone is different and some people prefer not to talk about it- but I need to and so long to do so!

I also feel a burden to be my boys voice in this life. They will never get the chance to share their hopes and dreams with anyone. They will be silent forever unless I am the voice for them! I know that God has His reasons and right now I am OK with that, but I can't just let them die and forget about them! The other day, we were at Chic Fil A in the play area and a little girl was playing with Allie whose last name was Thomas. After she told us her name, I thought for a second about Jake and so I said to her; "Allie has a little brother named Jake Thomas. It made me so sad- but it is true and I don't need to hide or be ashamed of what happened. Allie has two brothers and one other sibling and I will make sure that they are always included in our family.

On a more positive note, we have been SO blessed by so many people these past two weeks! People we don't even know have sent us cards saying they have been praying for us- even way up in Virginia! We have had meals, people watch Allie, our house cleaned, tons of flowers, plants, gift cards, books, poems written, and wonderful gifts to help us remember our boys' lives! It is overwhelming how much people care and want to help and we are so thankful for each and everyone! It is comforting to know that our boys were loved by so many and that God has given us so many wonderful friends to lean on during this time. And we thank everyone for their prayers on our behalf. I know I have been too numb to pray right now, so I am so thankful to have others interceding on my behalf.